I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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