I think i peed on brittanys purse
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
