When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I did not marry a roomba.
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