im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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