She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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