My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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