I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
