I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
