Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
