Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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