I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
should my penis look like a turkey
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
