I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
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Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
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My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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