I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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