I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
