The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
