Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
