I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
