Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
