just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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