She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
