I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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