I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
