Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
