This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
