Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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