is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
