I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
