I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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