dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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