Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
