My Higher Power is John Stamos
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
40s are totally the cure
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
