You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
