you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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