Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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