My first STD was from a foam party
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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