just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
