Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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