I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
