turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
