well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
