toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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