I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
They have beer where we have blood.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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