You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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