New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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