someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
