the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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