So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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