I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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