I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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