vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
