I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
What drink are we having for lunch?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
