Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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