Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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